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12 more days till i POP from MY CCC
In case you're wodnering, what does CCC stand for, it stands for Civillian Conversion Course. Well like all other like minded NSFs about to ORD, we chose to embark on this course as we approached the inevitable end to our short stint in the Army.
Of coruse if your vocation was that of a driver, storeman, clerk or some Private in some obsucre office cubicle, whose exixtence is merely proven by your name on a piece of nominal role, you would have successful have had a headstart to the CCC much much earlier, so the whole course syllabi of having to readapt back to cv life will not come as a rude or awakening shock to you.
Instead, it will be just a mere continuation of what you've been douing. Hell, you might already have a headstart in your next phase of life (i.e : long hair, missing uniforms, moonlight jobs). To which i say kudos to you!
*
But for the many of us, at least a majority of those i know who is in active (or was actually) servcie with me, the moment we embarked on our block leave signalled the beginning of what is to be perhaps the most confusing part of my lfei thus far. Having ti readapt back to CV life.
I mean, we are combatants, we train to fight, to kill. When we talk outfield, we use words like "Kill the enemy" "Lets rip out their guts" "Make sure you are aggresive, brutal and fierce!!" "I want to see your WAR FACE!! AHHH~!~!!"
Ok so that last line was from Full Metal Jacket. But hey its true! In this past 2 years, i have been intrinsically tuned to fight and to kill. To be brutal and menacing when the time arrives. NOT to say that i am a raging lunatic now but yea, the fact remains that i was and AM trained to kill even with my bare hands.
Hence, this whole business of having to readapt to CV life is just weird.
*
I was just telling Fu Yee how werid it is. I mean, when we were still in active service, being at home during weekdays was like weird to me. I mean we enjoyed it because we were either on off or leave and we were enjoying it. But at the same time i will feel guilty because i'm not in camp and i'm always on guard should i receive a callback. So on one hand, i feel happy that i'm not in camp, on the other i'm guilty that i'm not and well....on the other....other hand...i'm wary. SO suffice to say, being away from camp on a weekday was like an emotional sandwich...with 3 layers...It was very hmm, wird.
Now that i'm at home, on a weekday, i don't feel that sense of happiness, mixed with guilt and topped with suspicion. Truthfully i miss that feeling. It was precisely that feeling that made me feel occupied. Right now i just feel so listless. So...lost in everything.
*
Don't get me wrong, i'm quite glad to ORD. To take a break from i it all. But as i told him, its weird. Because all these while we've been so in tuned to killing...not in a murdeorus way...but right now, the only training we'll ever get to do with relation to killing is how to kill that darn cockroach that is running about in the kitchen.
Oh well.
*
My mind is kinda blank now. I just hope that i can be safe and my dear is healthy and we're both happy together now that i have more time for her too.
=)
I love you dear.
Labels: NS
Alan gagged and reeled at
12:05 AM
1 people shizzled my nizzle
..:: Semper Paratus, Sine Mora ::..
