l
 |
Hmmm
I've come to realise that i'm actually quite the loner.
My HP never rings, unless it is a call from my dad (which in fact makes up for 75% of all my received calls)...or the camp...MSN windows...well..sometimes never pop up at all. Its sad actually, to know that you have so many friends, yet you still feel lonely because of that. Yes, it is true that i have alot of friends, but they are mere surface friends, very much like normal "hi-bye" kind of people you meet in your life. No doubt i do have a handful of friends who really know me and understand me. People like Reynn and Desmond make up this few. But sometimes, one just wishes that your life can be more interesting other than just staring at an empty HP screen all the time.
Why not i msg then? Yah, i do...i do all the time...but. You get sick of it after a while, you'll start to think "Why can't they msg first? Why always me first?" not that it should ever be an issue or come across your mind, but seriosuly, i feel damn lonely sometimes. Esp in camp at night...when i really really really want to msg gy to wish her goodnight etc...knowing that a reply to reciprocate the care might not come back, really turns one off you know. For a fact, you also realise that sometimes, however close friends are, there must be a line drawn, if possible, i wanna do it EVERYNIGHT. But seriously speaking, who won't get sick of it? The sender and the receiver will get sick of it after a while. Very soon, such msges written with thought, care and love to some extent, gets seen as one of those normal msges, its importance and sincerity downplayed by the fact of being too accustomed to it.
*
A typical Gemini is what i am, a two-sided, dynamic individual who has two very different sides to him. One of quick wit, undying dynamism, boisterous, loud and totally like a bull in a china shop, another, quiet...solemn...deep-thinking...pessimistic...I'm typical of this kind of behaviour...so with this, you can in fact analyse my character trait by observing my posts. it ranges from the extremely moody and solemn, to the outrageously dumb and witty...sigh..
*
Emotional Escapism...A Houdini of the heart....
I'm actually trying to escape the from the real problem. Its been almost a year now, yet, i've never had the courage to confess to her staright in the face. Always not wanting to make the move because i didn't feel that it was correct or right of me to do so. I have my morals, i have my principals and i have my values to uphold. Yet, at what cost? All these gave me a ticket to board a roller-coaster. A roller-coaster that brought me to the highest points in this year, and also to the lowest depths. Of course, at times, i chose to take a break from it all and just sit out the ride But always without fail, i'll feel tempted to want to experience that rush of the heart going thump-thump-thump, having to try and calm yourself down, because you feel so nervous, having to think of some lame jokes at the back of your mind to entertain. It was all part of a facade, to hide my true feelings. I just wanted to be there, not wanting anything else. IF you ran into problems, i wanted to be able to help you out and advise, and not see you sad and down.
I'm truly amazed at how it has come full circle, from the one sitting in the ride, to the one observing. It has somehow reflected my own situation. Having to see you endure the pains for justifying your actions. Though it may hurt terribly, yet you still have to grit your teeth and accept the fact so that you can answer to your own conscience, values and principles....
*
The sacrifices i've made, aren't by virtue of my greed or desire, but by a sincere wish that you will be happy, that one day, you will find the person you truly deserve and desire. Yes, at times i question myself why do i subject myself to all these, but why can't I? I started out knowing that it was gonna be hard and almost impossible, but, somehow, somewhere, deep within me, it really is quite hard to have to walk away from it all. I can't simply turn around and run away the opposite direction as and when i choose to, for the simple reason that it is just too hard to do so.
I've always hoped for the best for you. When you cried on the bus earlier this year, i felt absolutely helpless, i had no tissue paper to offer, only my lame jokes, in a desperate bid to make you smile and feel better. When you told me that you felt nobody loved you, i bit my lips, "Why do you think like that? How can that be true??" was all i could think. Perhaps i'm a coward, perhaps i'm just not ready, perhaps, i just want to see you happy, but am not sure if i can ever make you happy the way you should be. Perhaps it was because i hurt you once before and feel guilty about it. But i cannot bring myself to turn away. I feel so attracted to you.
I've always commited myself to the friendship we share, because to me, it is a special one, a treasured one and boy am i grateful for it, to be given a second chance to redeem my past incompetencies and failures. I vowed never to hurt you the way i did. But it seems now......the tables have turned against me.
You never know, but a single call or message from you brightens up my day almost instantly....Its like Maggi noodles, simple, quick mood-lifter...>_<
I'm tired, very tired. i want to sleep now...
Oyasumi everyone....
Alan gagged and reeled at
1:04 AM
0 people shizzled my nizzle
..:: Semper Paratus, Sine Mora ::..
