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Hmm.....i'm lost
completely lost.
This blog no longer reflects my true, deep thinking self.
Somehow, i feel at lost for words
Words or phrases that can help me express what i truly feel.
Perhaps i've just lost touch with my real self.
The real Alan deep within me.
The Alan that has been shrouded and kept in storage
for all that has befallen me has driven me to cowardice.
*
I need to find back the cold, quiet, solemn, serious Alan.
not this lame, happy-go-lucky, comedic Alan.
This is not the real me.
But it seems to be me for the time being.
I was never like this in Pioneer.
I was more restrained, more callous than now
I felt more at ease back then than i'll ever be now.
*
Through this personality metamorphosis,
i've realised that
once you've changed your public-self,
it is very hard to revert back to your "old self".
People just think of you differently from the moment you change.
More so if you change before being aquainted with them.
I did speak to bro a couple of times that,
the Alan you see skipping jovially around in school,
is but a mere shadow, a mere facade, a mere transient incarnation of Alan.
The real Alan deep down isn't like that.
*
I know myelf, and i know what i'm like.
But somehow,
with all these expectations and perceptions that people hold of you
It restraints you from revealing the person that you really are
Not because you do not want to,
but you simply can't.
Even if you want it so badly,
the status quo and "perception" of you in people's eyes
will force you back into the latter conformation.
It is just like bending a metal rod.
*
You start out with a metal rod, straight and in essence, original
Bending the rod, it becomes warped.
Bent, and people will accept it that way.
But when you try bending it back to its original shape,
it will rigidly maintain its warped identity
and will inevitably spring back to its warped shape.
*
So you see, the real Alan is hiding beneath a cloud
a cloud that never turns dark.
I hope to reveal my true self,
but if i so do,
and if i manage to.
The Alan you see in school,
will no longer be the jovial one, or the lame person that you witness now,
he will be dark, solemn, quiet, and always in deep thought,
albeit for the smallest of matters and
the most insignificant of insignificant matters.
*
Perhaps, i should try reverting back to my un-warped personality.
Disregarding fully the attempts by society to negate my efforts.
Maybe i can start by being who i am.
Not being the person i wish people to see me as.
I should keep my weaknesses to myself,
and stop displaying it on a pedestal
whereby it is in full view of every living soul in CJ.
It becomes a liability to me.
*
Yes, this is how the real Alan blogs and thinks.
Dark, cynically mysterious.
*
Elements of "me" will remain, but only to suffice the readaptation of people around
to the original me.
*
Welcome to my world.
Alan's realworld.
Alan gagged and reeled at
10:08 PM
0 people shizzled my nizzle
..:: Semper Paratus, Sine Mora ::..
