I've been doing alot of thinking....

Honestly speaking, i hate my life right now. Not because of academic stress or whatsoever, it is just that you come to a point in time of your little insignificant life that you really stop and ponder over what you have achieved in life. In all honesty, i really do not want to receive what i'm getting now. I want to be normal back again, i feel redundant as i am now for sure. What is the point of being a bench warmer and only smile, not because i want to, but because i have to to maintain all forms of normality to thier lives.

It is always about them basically. I sacrifice my time, efforts and sweat for them. I even take the fall when things go awry, just so that they need not worry about unnecessary things. But things seem to have taken a change these past few weeks. I no longer have the inspiration to continue what i'm doing now, i'm just living life as it is, living it by the minute. Perhaps i should just view it from the sidelines and enjoy the sceneary and not be bogged down by how it turns out to be But it is within my constituition that i'm not supposed to do so.

Nobody seems to care, or even bother about what is vexing me. Even if they do, i wouldn't reveal it to them. Because i feel, they do not understand me well enoung to understand my frame of mind or thought at that point in time. All that they will do is just to lend an open ear which will listen,, sympathise, but not help. I still feel that keeping it within myself and not openly bitching it to others is still the best way. They remain happy and not attached to my problems (that is if they decide to), while i still live my life as it is.

I do not feel the compelling force that will drive me towards what i struck out for. I seem to have lost my connections with them, and i have no right over them for i do commit deplorable actions at times.

Hell, i just want to get my As over and done with quickly and go off to Tekong, a place where i know i'll definitely enjoy myself in the company of real men.

People can be so cynical and fake at times, even the 'closest' of friends o it to you, what makes me think, my other friends won't? I do have emotions too, eventhough i may seem distant and unaffected by what is going on around me, i still am. I never cared about the 9 points or even considered it, so stop using it against me. I am even willing to forgo it. It was never and never will be part of my aspirations to join them.

Alan gagged and reeled at 1:40 AM
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..:: Semper Paratus, Sine Mora ::..